@Inconsteveable

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

@Inconsteveable

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

@Inconsteveable

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@Inconsteveable

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

@Inconsteveable

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

@Inconsteveable

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.