Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
2. All the other idiots
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Sex so good you see dead people.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.