@InternetHippo

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

@InternetHippo

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

@InternetHippo

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@InternetHippo

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

@InternetHippo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason