(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason