@InternetHippo

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

@InternetHippo

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

@InternetHippo

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@InternetHippo

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@InternetHippo

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

@InternetHippo

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls