@InternetHippo

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@InternetHippo

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

@InternetHippo

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

@InternetHippo

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

@InternetHippo

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@InternetHippo

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games