@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

@ItalianBratikus

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@ItalianBratikus

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

@ItalianBratikus

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

@ItalianBratikus

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.