Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling