@IvoryGazelle

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@IvoryGazelle

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@IvoryGazelle

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!