Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!