Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
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[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
me: my friends:
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!