That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.