@Jake_Vig

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@Jake_Vig

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.