Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White