The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Look at this
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch