If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“you recording!?”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple