@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@Jake_Vig

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@Jake_Vig

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@Jake_Vig

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.