@Jake_Vig

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

@Jake_Vig

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

@Jake_Vig

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

@Jake_Vig

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@Jake_Vig

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

@Jake_Vig

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

@Jake_Vig

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.