@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@JamieGreenlees

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@JamieGreenlees

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

@JamieGreenlees

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

@JamieGreenlees

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

@JamieGreenlees

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.