Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol