@JefeJK47

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@JefeJK47

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@JefeJK47

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@JefeJK47

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@JefeJK47

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

@JefeJK47

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@JefeJK47

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

@JefeJK47

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@JefeJK47

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

@JefeJK47

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.