I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.