@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@Jenny4ashley

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@Jenny4ashley

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

@Jenny4ashley

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.