The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*ernest hemingway voice*