Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.