A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Grandmother clock.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Welcome
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked