Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.