Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.