@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@JermHimselfish

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@JermHimselfish

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.