me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Ain’t no way
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.