@JesKeepSwimming The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
@JesKeepSwimming @JesKeepSwimming “So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
@JesKeepSwimming Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
@JesKeepSwimming Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
@JesKeepSwimming THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
@JesKeepSwimming I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
@JesKeepSwimming I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
@JesKeepSwimming Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
@JesKeepSwimming Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.