@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@JessObsess

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@JessObsess

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@JessObsess

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING