Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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If a snake ate a cake
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
💻🤡
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad