@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@JimGaffigan

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

@JimGaffigan

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

@JimGaffigan

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@JimGaffigan

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.