@JoParkerBear If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
@JoParkerBear *Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
@JoParkerBear When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
@JoParkerBear Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
@JoParkerBear I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
@JoParkerBear *phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
@JoParkerBear Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
@JoParkerBear I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
@JoParkerBear You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
@JoParkerBear Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.