@JoParkerBear

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

@JoParkerBear

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

@JoParkerBear

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@JoParkerBear

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@JoParkerBear

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.