@JohnLyonTweets

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@JohnLyonTweets

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

@JohnLyonTweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.