
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.