@JohnLyonTweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@JohnLyonTweets

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

@JohnLyonTweets

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

@JohnLyonTweets

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@JohnLyonTweets

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.