@JohnLyonTweets “I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
@JohnLyonTweets If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
@JohnLyonTweets I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
@JohnLyonTweets Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
@JohnLyonTweets Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
@JohnLyonTweets Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
@JohnLyonTweets Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
@JohnLyonTweets No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
@JohnLyonTweets Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
@JohnLyonTweets No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.