@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

@JohnLyonTweets

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

@JohnLyonTweets

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.