There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing