@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@JohnLyonTweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

@JohnLyonTweets

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@JohnLyonTweets

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing