if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.