Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.