Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.