@Kadayo_Takamini

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

@Kadayo_Takamini

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

@Kadayo_Takamini

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@Kadayo_Takamini

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

@Kadayo_Takamini

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

@Kadayo_Takamini

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

@Kadayo_Takamini

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@Kadayo_Takamini

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.