[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart