@KenJennings

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

@KenJennings

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@KenJennings

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@KenJennings

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur