I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.