@KentWGraham

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

@KentWGraham

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

@KentWGraham

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

@KentWGraham

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

@KentWGraham

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@KentWGraham

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@KentWGraham

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.