The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.