@KimmyMonte

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@KimmyMonte

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@KimmyMonte

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

@KimmyMonte

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone