when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
tag yourself
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one