me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide