I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
You Might Also Like
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?