@KizerBillhelm Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
@KizerBillhelm @KizerBillhelm *on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
@KizerBillhelm Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
@KizerBillhelm Mmmmm white people
– sharks
@KizerBillhelm Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
@KizerBillhelm My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
@KizerBillhelm Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
@KizerBillhelm HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
@KizerBillhelm Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
@KizerBillhelm As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.