Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Mmmmm white people
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.