*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along