Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Battery falling down a hole
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”