No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!