people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*