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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.