Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are