How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
as is their right
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.